The Real Me

The real me, 

I'm living my life the best I can.

Sometimes I'm happy.

Sometimes I'm the smart ass.

Sometimes I'm overwhelmed.

Sometimes I'm angry.

Sometimes I'm upset.

Sometimes I'm flustered.

Sometimes I'm not the smile I front.

No reason to worry about my past.

No reason to worry about my future.

It is the here and now.

And when I'm down and out I write. 

To bear the light in my soul so bright,

I got to keep it strong.

When I get burnt I need ice,

And this is my device

It heals.

Its my window into a world that as I will it, I make it.

In my fantasy, it is the love I need.

Its healing powers are beyond the greatest divinity.

I wish I was better at telling the world how I feel.

I must use complicated similes and things that don't make sense.

It is my angel whisper in the night.

I don't make it so public, my thoughts to myself.

It is the stars held above my head so high.

It is to keep me alive.

Beautiful Chaos

I can never portray my thoughts exactly how I want to. 

I Remember

I remember when I saw you for the first time.
I remember how you made me feel.
I remember the ripped blue jeans you wore the first, and second time we met.
I remember the words you first spoke to me.
I remember the last words you spoke to me.
I remember how when we held hands, you refused to hold still.
I remember how your breathe felt on my skin.
I remember how much I missed you when you left.
I remember not wanting to feel that kind of pain ever again.
I remember now, to never remember you again.

The Great Gatsby

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

“I hope she'll be a fool -- that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

“And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

“He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced--or seemed to face--the whole eternal world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

“There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.” 
― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

How to Cope with Annoying People:

Step 1: Wait for them to say something annoying.

Step 2:

•  Look at them with a disgusted look on your face.
• Make fun of them directly, tell them how annoying they are.
• Literally just stare at them.
• Punch them squarely in their annoying face.

Step 3: Resume your life. Stay beautiful.

Conversations with a Stranger

“I wish I could live the rest of my life forgetting,” she told him, distractedly braiding her hair as she gazed out the plane’s tiny square window.

“Forgetting what?” He asked after a pause, turning his head to look at the pretty girl beside him; she had been relatively quiet for the first few hours of their flight. 

She sighed. “Forgetting what it felt like to live.”

Not knowing how to respond to this, he went back to his magazine, pretending to solve a completed Suduku puzzle. He could feel her stare on him.

“What’s your name?” She asked him a moment later.

“Julian.”

“Julian, have you ever  been in love?”

It was a strange question for a stranger to ask, but he answered as honestly as he could. “No. I don’t think so.”

Bored, she turned back to her window. “I have.”

“Oh?” He responded, not quite ready for their conversation to end.

“Yes.” The girl replied, and then fell silent again.

With You

Yesterday is gone.
Sometimes I wish
time would linger
on my breath, on my skin.

Sometimes I wish
time would slow,
pull backwards with me,
keep me still.

Time would slow
if tomorrow didn’t speak with tongue
twisted, words of interest
sporadically thrust into dandelion seed.

Tomorrow speaks too much.
Tell me a chamomile story,
turn off the light and leave on the lamp,
the lava lamp 
Let the light illuminate me from 
my head to the bend of my
knees, 
while I bury myself deeper into my
mattress, release myself
to the lullaby of loose linen.

Keep me quiet.
Keep me calm.
Keep me still.

BLACKOUT

Downfall

Where did we go wrong?

As If The Shame Of It Would Out Live Him.

"Chances"

Chances- The Strokes

                                                                     

I waited for ya
I waited on ya
But now I don't

You didn't see it
I didn't see it
I didn't see it
But now, oh, I do

I play your game
I play your game
Now
I play your game
I play your game

I take my chances alone
Get on your horse and be gone
I will not wait up for you anymore
So you can ask me if something is wrong
Will you go?
I don't know anymore

When the night isn't ready for you
It's a feeling I know that dogs you
They invited a stewardess, too
Now they want you to see it
Here's to days he decides he's got time
And he claims that it's not a surprise
When he finds out the truth's on his side

I take my chances alone
Get on your horse and be gone
I will not wait up for you anymore
So you can ask me if something is wrong
Will you go?
I don't know anymore
I don't believe anyone
As they crawl out of my way

Waiting for the night
Leaving night by night
You can see me travel
We could be in trouble every night
We're having a new life

6 words; a memoir

Sometimes the rain just doesn’t end.

This is how much I care.

A text sent, yet nothing received.

Dreaming of wonderlands, walking to wastelands.

Figuring myself out, not there yet. 

Always look forward, never look back.

The best things happen by accident.

And so she said, “please stay.”

Her wishes fell like shooting stars.

Can't live without my morning coffee. 

“You’re the first, you’re the last.”

Did you know you are intoxicating?

fairytales

the taste in my throat

is not flowery like I wish

it were

swallow tears, and drink

them like tea, they’re good

for you

but my tongue is scathed

and sore, my throat even

more so

there’s a thunderstorm

in the near distance—

this thunderstorm is the

soundtrack to my sappy

sad, story

I don’t like thunderstorms

and the way they

interrupt my thoughts

my attempt at peace

peace is a myth

peace is out of reach

but I am wishing for it anyway

(One Line)

wait night to come and 

expect stars to shine 

only street lamps illuminate

sky, bright and polluted 

yellow light melts 

in inky firmament

brown as your long hair

but you never corrupt 

as stars dim tonight

a hot summer night

it kills me and 

I cannot breath 

reminding your pant

and whisper that already 

penetrates my aching soul

I wheeled with the stars, 

my heart broke loose on the wind*

forever young

or at least that's how it felt 

in that indefinite moment

*Poetry by Pablo Neruda

Head vs. Heart

I wonder if my head, and my heart are friends?

Do they talk with each other every now and then? 

When my head talks to my heart, does my heart listen? 

When my heart passes a note to my head, does my head open it? 

One day, when they really get to know each other, I may finally get something right. 

Amazing things could happen if they started working together. 

Maybe all they need is an introduction- 

Head, meet heart. 

Space

"The biggest challenge about being involved in the space program is the need to be able to be good at and know a lot about a lot of things."

I will never make it at space camp. 

Door to Nowhere

I want to write about this door. This door gives me hope. I can put whatever I want behind this door. What I want to be behind this door is my future, what I'm going to be when I grow up, the love of my life,  my happiness. If I could see it even for a glimpse that could help this hurt. I don't know what to do anymore and I wish more than anything what is behind this door could help me. Take me to nowhere.. it would be a lot easier than anywhere.

(Someone Else) Not You

I don't wan't to give you the satisfaction of looking at this and knowing it's about you

because it's not. 

Everything about you drives me insane. You are the pain in the back of my neck that even with constant, deep, rubbing, never seems to go away.

Why do I analyze everything you do, as if it will make me loathe you less?

Surrounding myself with other people helps sometimes.. until I'm alone.

The hate I feel for you is ringing in my ears, giving me heartburn.

You changed me, and left. Leaving me alone with my new self.

You helped me create this, and now I realize it was always yours. 

It was perfect in reality.. until it was only perfect in my head.

I don't want to be me anymore, all because of you. 

That's why I think I hate you. I tell myself to hate you. 

Help me to escape it, tell me you love me.

I don't hate you, I hate that you don't love me. 

Candle In The Wind- Elton John

And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did

Sincerely, Death.

I want to be your motivation.
I want to be the reason that you live.
I want to let you know your worth and how much you mean to me.
I can't wait until we can finally meet.
I want to hear all the stories you've gathered over the years.
Leave me in the back of your head, but know.. I'm always there.
Someday you will be mine.
Like an old friend, you've known me forever.
One day, we can finally get to know each other.

Unbroken

BROKEN family.

Everything they once knew.. the happy family they saw in all the photographs, no longer exists.

The smiles were lies, the love their parents once showed to each other, they will never see again.

For a child, this is the hardest thing in the world to understand. Mom and Dad won't live in the same house anymore. I have two bedrooms. Mom has a date tonight.. not with Dad. 

They don't teach you about this kind of heartbreak. 

At first it was devastating. The tears wouldn't stop and the confusion was captivating. 

Now, it is the new normal. Dad has a girlfriend, and she has kids. Four new people in my life. 

My family doesn't seem broken anymore, if anything it is more whole than ever. 

Dad is happy, and Mom got what she wanted... now I can see this was what needed to happen. 

Sometimes you need to lose everything, to realize what you had. 

Captivating

Help me to understand.

Why am I afriad?

My fears are holding me back from living up to my potential.

Do I have potential?

I'm afraid of disappointing the people I love most.

If I never do anything there is no point of disappointment. Right?

I'm afraid of losing myself.

How can I lose myself if I have yet to create myself?

I'm afraid of missing out.

What are my fears holding me back from?

I'm afraid of never amounting to anything.

In the end, will my existence have meant anything?

I'm afraid of myself.

What are my fears trying to tell me?
I don't want to be scared anymore.

Help me to understand.

I'm Thinking About You Like..

I'm thinking about you like flowers think about Spring
I'm thinking about you like your heart thinks about blood
I'm thinking about you like an addict thinks about his next fix
I'm thinking about you like a pen thinks about the lovely words it creates on paper
I'm thinking about you like trees think about life.. sitting there so long, they ought to think about life
I'm thinking about you like a dusty old record thinks of the needle that will give it life
I'm thinking about you like the screaming kettle thinks about a hot cup of tea
I'm thinking about you like a father thinks about his daughter
I'm thinking about you like my skin thinks about the sunshine
I'm thinking about you like a book thinks about the next person to charm
I'm thinking about you like the stars think about their purpose
I'm thinking about you like cars think about their destination
I'm thinking about you like I think about you.

On My Mind

I think about you so often, if you knew how much I thought about you, you may be confused.

I create a collage of little things I have noticed, things that make you beautiful to me...

the way your brown eyes get larger when something makes you laugh

the way your fingers tie around each other when you talk to someone you don't know

the way you move your hair out of your face when you're trying to concentrate

I try and remember these things so when we're not together, I'll always have you with me

I'll save these thoughts for myself, until you need to hear them.

Do you notice me, noticing you?

Love, it captivates your mind, takes over your thoughts, and paralyzes all other emotions.

I should be thinking about school, or my job, or something others may find important..

but all I think about is you. Help me to not think about you.

All You Need

Who Actually Knows

what is love?

none of us will every truly know until it happens to us

we may know what it looks like

but you won't know until it hits you 

that right of passage

that feeling of longing and selflessness 

I imagine that is how love happens

Ride

"I was in the winter of my life, and the men I met along the road were my only summer.

At night I fell asleep with visions of myself, dancing and laughing and crying with them.

Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour, and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times.

I was a singer - not a very popular one,

I once had a dreams of becoming a beautiful poet, but upon an unfortunate series of events some of those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken.

But I didn't really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I'd been living, they asked me why - but there's no use in talking to people who have home.

They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head.

I was always an unusual girl.

My mother told me I had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean...

And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying...

Because I was born to be the other woman.

I belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone.

Who had nothing, who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it, and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me."

from the music video 'Ride' by Lana Del Rey

ALIVE

what does it mean to feel ALIVE 

feeling alive is that instant when you know why you're here

creating things that scare you or don't make sense

looking into your best friend's eyes and knowing

the moment when strangers become friends

stepping out of your mind to see things clearly

being with people you love, who love each other, who love you 

  

when I feel alive I feel significant

Making Mirrors

Life is completely about taking what you see of you and mixing it with what you see of others. Reflections of the past and of the future. No one persona is exactly alike but we are all the same. We are all influenced, and inspired by each other. We are all trying to find what it is that satisfies us, what feeds our fire, so here is me, trying to find that light in creative writing.